You Know You're a Liberal if...

by Don Feder

“What is a liberal?” In presidential election years liberals are hard to find unless you look very carefully. For example, while the President has been talking about “family values” and other conservative themes, the First Lady earlier this year co-hosted a “Summit on Ethics and Meaning” in Washington with leftist Michael Lerner. Among other fascinating proposals to emerge from the “Summit,” the 1,300 “delegates” in attendance endorsed forcing businesses to give parents a year of paid leave, and endorsed replacing college SAT tests with “empathy training.” So what is a liberal? Syndicated columnist Don Feder recently took a crack at answering that question — Ed.

You’re a liberal if...

• You think Herblock cartoons are hilarious and that Janet Reno possesses one of the finest legal minds in the nation.
• You think that Rush Limbaugh was responsible for the Oklahoma City bombing and that Barbra Streisand makes sense.
• You think that trees have feelings and that animals can conceptualize.
• You are convinced that Frank Capra films and Norman Rockwell paintings are distortions of life but that “Platoon,” “Dances with Wolves” and “Thelma and Louise” are realistic portrayals of real life.
• You think a moment of silent prayer at the beginning of the school day constitutes indoctrination and an intrusion on parental authority, but that sex education, condom distribution and multiculturalism are permissible, even praiseworthy.
• You thought Walt Disney films were overly saccharine and “cutesy-pie”...until you saw “Pocahontas.”
• You agonize over environmental threats like acid rain and toxic waste but are oblivious to societal threats like pornography, promiscuity and family disintegration.
• You think that sexual harassment and date rape are rampant and that domestic violence is commonplace, but that Paula Jones is a liar.
• You want to legalize cocaine but outlaw handguns.
• You believe that corporate profits are obscene, government spending is inadequate, and that the American people are under taxed.
• You think that deficits are caused by tax loopholes.
• You think that marriage is becoming obsolete...except for gays, of course.
• You believe that advocates of welfare reform hate the poor and that opponents of Affirmative Action hate minorities, but that people who bash the pope and Protestant fundamentalists love everybody.
• You opposed American involvement in Vietnam and the Gulf War but believe that stationing large numbers of U.S. troops in Bosnia and Haiti is somehow vital to our national interests.
• You don’t understand all the whining about Affirmative Action and are perfectly willing to sacrifice the job or education of a close friend to assuage your guilt.
• You believe that Richard Nixon was responsible for everything horrible that happened in the last quarter century, including several hurricanes and earthquakes .• You see no correlation between welfare and the rise of illegitimacy, or between judicial leniency and crime rates.
• You think the rapidly emerging black middle class is a myth created by Newt Gingrich.
• You believe that the National Rifle Association is responsible for increasing crime rates and that the American Civil Liberties Union is democracy’s greatest defender.
• You believe that the religious fanatics at Waco “had it coming.”
• You consider Catholic bishops noble and idealistic when they oppose capital punishment and welfare cuts, but regard them as dangerous fanatics when they champion prayer, non-public schools or the right to life.
• You believe that multiculturalism contributed to the difficulties in Bosnia, but will bring only peace, prosperity and happiness to the United States.

If national columnist Don Feder had been writing in Las Vegas or Reno, of course, he might also have said you’re a liberal if you believe that Nevada is a low-tax state. - Ed.

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